a comment on a comment

Someone left a comment of my blog entry “expressions of concern”:

Did an elder at your church really tell you that bipolar is demonic possession?

I think I need to clarify.

1. It was a church way back in 1996.
2. The actual statement made was that bipolar symptoms result from a person denying commandments of God, and therefore these people were to be avoided at all cost.
3. In 1996, my recently diagnosed bipolar formed a great part of my focus. As such it was really hard to have an entire church drop me because I had a chemical imbalance just like diabetes.

My life has changed. Whether I am taking life easily or slowly doesn’t affect my life as much any more, at least not to the degree it did in 1996. In 1996 the onset of medication threw my moods up, down, left, right, as if riding in a rodeo. It took months to stabilise and find that perfect cocktail, and so during most of that year I was involved in who I am.

The years between have been a growth area as I have pushed boundaries, struggled to survive life my way, failed miserably, and given up. During this time I have been stabbed, tied up, stalked, and fired. During this time I have starved, and been provided for. During this time I have tried to make it on my own.

During this time, I have seen God’s hand only in retrospect as I have returned back to Him, and He has shown He never left me. It has been a humbling time. It has been a great teacher, a learning that indeed I do not know how to really live. A time where I have learnt that there is life and life more abundantly in following his life.

Yes, a church long ago led me to walk away from the church. It was an event. That’s all. My faith at the time just didn’t exist and my reaction to that event showed this. The walking away, and the life lessons in the intervening 10 years, have served to make my return that much more spectacular. Those who meet me now think I’ve always been like this – little do they know. From a raging bull to a meek and mild gentle man, this can only have been the work of a Mighty God.

2008 has been a year of service and fulfilment. I have had the privilege of being a part of a relief center for 500 people, I have become part of a good, active-in-the-community church. I have made a major difference to a homeless man’s life, and I have seen that God has been with me.

2008 has also been a trying year as I have navigated the waters of a continually changing job. Despite a deep, abiding conviction that God takes care of me, I have found myself panicking at times. Everything that a bipolar shouldn’t do is wrapped in this job – never being allowed to finish a job before getting another one, finding I was dragging behind as more arrived on my plate than is possible to complete, if there were ever time, late nights trying to catch up, rising concern that the database has holes in it, and that there was something in this system that was creating more holes.

2008 has been a time of really getting to know my God. He has granted me a wisdom that is so not me that it could only have come from him, and he has been merciful in walking, and talking me through the “meltdown moments” arising from those panic attacks. Trust is not a word I embrace lightly.