walking the walk (ii)

{names have been changed to protect all concerned}

Calvin

I stopped at a traffic light one day after a course at a church I go to, and gave something to a man begging at the lights. As I started to drive off, I felt a strong urge to stop and talk to the man. I walked over and introduced myself, putting my hand out to shake his.

We talked, and I asked his name. Calvin.

A week passed, and I saw him again. This time he was tearful as he spoke of his family and how he missed them. I questioned further and this is the detail he gave me:

Age 48
Occupation Welder
Alcoholic

Homeless

Two sisters:

1. Alice – married Freddie (he had something to do with canvas, awnings)

– has children

1. Roxy – married Willie

– has children

Grew up in Orkney, Transvaal.

With a firm faith in the internet and experience from my job in forensics last year, I offered to try find his family.

This is the story of what happened.

A google on the family surname and canvas turned up a lead that resulted in a call to a hardware store in Orkney. No, the elderly salesman told me, “Old man B died 20 years back; I don’t know where they’ve gone.”

Ok, start again.

Looking down the same results page, I saw a reference to “awnings”.

Another google on Orkney and awnings brought up an ad that had been placed in the yellowpages two years previously, referring to an awnings company in nearby Klerksdorp.

I called.

The owner answered and asked a few gruff questions after which he said “Hold on!”. I found myself speaking to Calvin’s nephew, Frankie, his sister’s youngest son.

We exchanged email addresses, and this is the mail I sent:

Hello Frankie

I’m so glad I have been able to find you. I have attached a word document describing how I found you.

Weekend before last I saw Calvin at the traffic lights near the His People Church at N1 City, Cape Town. It was a nice sunny day, and I stopped to talk to him. He told me about being a welder and that he is 48. I am 47 and he looks way older than I am.

On Saturday it was raining and Calvin wasn’t at his “usual” spot. I wanted to give him some warm clothing as winter is approaching, even tho’ the chances were that he would sell it. Later the sun came out and on the chance that he might be there, I went to look again, and this time he was there. We spoke a lot longer, and he told me that he was “lus vir familie”. I asked where he came from, and what he remembered of his family. He wept as he spoke about his sisters, Alice and Roxy.

He admitted being alcoholic. I don’t think it’s a case of wanting or not wanting to change his lifestyle, it’s something he has arrived at from choices made long ago. He spoke about getting a job, and being there for 3 weeks and then dropping out again. He’s aware of where things go wrong, he doesn’t try to deny he is at fault. He spoke about his child dying. He spoke of his wife being a bus driver in Pretoria.

He just wants to visit his family again. Perhaps if you (the family) were to look at him as a visitor and not as a project to fix it may be easier for you to deal with when he leaves again.

I can understand Freddie getting upset with him – I’ve been there too. It’s really frustrating trying. What helped me was to realise it’s a choice thing – choices he made long ago have resulted in where he’s at right now. One cannot change history. I know it doesn’t help having a relative who is one of the homeless, that it’s hard to relate to them and they’re embarassing. Their whole outlook is different to yours. What you treasure they don’t. Their greatest treasure is being free – even if that freedom destroys who they are.

They are very aware of being judged.

I can also understand Calvin wanting to leave – its hard not being accepted for who you are, or what you’ve become. He’s embarassed that he now begs. I guess somewhere along the line he figured life was bigger than he is – its a strange thing of our society that drinking is cool and parties and braai’s aren’t the same without a beer, and yet when a person relies on the drink too much he is rejected.

Tell me, how did your mother react?

A day later I received a call from Willie. A few hours later, a call from Freddie. A day passed and then a mail from Freddie’s daughter, Melissa.

Two nights back I went to see Calvin (we often speak these days – I go to the church where he lives, and we sit and talk about things). When there I called Willie and Calvin was able to talk to people who genuinely thought he had died years ago. A call later and he spoke to Freddie, and Alice, and their daughters.

An excerpt from a mail from Melissa:

Jy gaan nie weet wie ek is nie – Jy het blykbaar my ma se broer gesien??? Calvin. Ons weet eintlik nie hoe om jou te bedank nie!!! Ons sal opmaak daarvoor. Ek verstaan dat jy al met Willie gepraat / kontak gemaak het (hy ismy ma s jonger suster se man), en die regte persoon om eintlik kontak te maak is my ma. Sy is die een wat altyd probeer help het, was maar soos ‘n ma vir haar broer gewees. My ma het al baie lang trane gehuil – en om die waarheid te se het ons gedink Calvin is oorlede??? Ek dink my ma het al aanvaar dat hy oorlede is. Ek weet ‘n hele paar jaar gelede het iemand van ‘n hospitaal in die Kaap my ma gebel & gese dat hy baie siek is. Hulle sou my ma nog terug bel met bank besonderhede & ‘n adres in die Kaap sodat sy self kan gaan kyk, maar daarna het ons niks weer gehoor nie (dis baie lank terug).

Melissa sent photos of her family for me to pass on to Calvin and asked that I take some to send back to them. There is great excitement but little understanding about the life of a homeless person. Much expectation from them and a reticence from him for all the same reasons he left in the first place. What a privilege to be involved.

And this excerpt from a mail I received:

Firstly, thank you so much for allowing us to speak to Calvin last night. You will never know how much it meant to my mom and dad (especially my mom). I think she feels a lot better now! We cant wait to see him again – and we all would really like to meet you as well, and to thank you in person for everything your did for our family.

You said that you think we tried to mold Calvin to our lifestyle? I don’t think that is true. My family only wanted the best for him, and the lifestyle we have, is the lifestyle he knew! We are all responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel, we all have choices in life, and if you make to wrong choice… then that is how it will be? We can not change the past. We all have to learn from our mistakes. Nobody is perfect and we are all different (two people can look at exactly the same thing and see something totally different…)

I wish I knew what went wrong in Calvin’s life, but I don’t… after all, I’m only 27 years old, and I was just a little girl when I last saw him. If only we could turn back time??? Wouldn’t that be great???

Well, like I said, we can’t change the past, but we can surely make a better future. God gave our family a second chance, and we will definitely make use of it!

and my reply:

Yes you are right – one cannot change the past. So Calvin is who he is, right now, as a result of the choices he made. The person he is, cannot fit into the life you determine as being the “best for him”. He may have known the life you live, but he no longer does. It’s as if he has been in a concentration camp, and his stomach can no longer take rich food. You may decide he needs to eat the best food, but in reality it will kill him.

I know you mean well, and nothing I have said is ever meant to mean that you and your family have ever done anything less. Somebody dependant on a substance never fits in with people who have never been there. There is a feeling that they are being judged – even if you never intended it. Every comment will be filtered thru his current value system – anything that reminds him that he is less than you are will drive him to run away.

To keep his dignity he needs to believe he is accepted – for who he is, AND for where his choices have led him. There is no denying that his choices have destroyed not only his life but also those around him. Perhaps “destroyed” is a bit harsh – life throws hard things at us, it is how we get up again that illustrates our character. Calvin has got up again after many things that you or I will never see. Things that would break any man. Calvin is alive in a world that utterly rejects his kind.

It is easier for me to make friends with him than it would be for you to do so, because I have no history of what he was for him to live up to. He knows he has walked down a bad road. He knows where his mistakes are. He tries to be honest, yet his lifestyle choices make him try to fit in, and the homeless only fit in with other homeless people. I just seem to have been blessed with the ability to accept people as who they are.

There are plans to send Calvin to Gauteng on the basis that he is only there to visit. The pressures involved in staying there are not able to be considered right now. Offers have been made by the family to finance a flat and food for him wherever he chooses to live.

Miracles can happen.

Friday 09 May 2008

Calvin is to fly to Jhb this weekend. He has no ID book, and no airline will take him. So I used Google to find someone in Kulula airline management, and got through to the CEO’s PA, who said she would call me back in 5 minutes.

She called – she has arranged a consultant to take the booking, and has contacted the manager at Cape Town airport to expect us.

Calvin can fly.

I then received an sms from the family – please don’t send Calvin today, we have arranged something for this weekend, and have booked tickets to fly down to Cape Town next weekend.

The saga will continue… I’ll keep you posted!